neurology you can use

dumbassery #2: oh crap – what if it’s genetic?

… I know I’m wrong, you know I’m wrong, and we both know I’m not going to budge, so lets just finish the fight, I’ll win like always, admit I’m wrong later, and make you a chocolate pie tomorrow. Deal?


We are all guilty of dumbassery. Even me. I completely admit to acts of unnecessary, if not necessarily excessive, but maybe, probably, dumbassery upon more than one occasion. Per week. Maybe per day. Sometimes per hour. One of the best things about having small children is being able to blame at least a modicum of all that dumbassery on the children. I could probably still do that, as Thing 2 (yes, they’re back to Thing status again) is still technically a toddler and sucks out any energy that might possibly head up to my brain as excess for thought processes by, say, 6:30 am. With great zeal, I might add.


Thing 1 just sort of adds a sucker punch when she starts to ask her version of kid questions, like ‘ why is the sky blue? Is it because the water is blue too? Or is the water blue because the sky is blue?’ Or she’ll start throwing out multiplication problems like, ‘mom, 10 times 12 is 120, right?’ while I’m trying to, say, balance the checkbook or write email, or even try to blog for that matter. My favorite is when she corrects me on my precision of speech. That one I take full responsibility for, because I have, both consciously and unconsciously, drilled into these children the importance of grammar and speech from the time they could theoretically hear the voices of their parents.

So by the time these children are done with their day, my brain is rather wobbly – kind of like jello. Which, btw, if hooked up to electrodes will register brain waves. Interesting.


The point of all this preface? Preface? You say. This has all been PREFACE? There’s MORE? Yes, there’s more. But it’s likely that there are only one or two people actually reading this, and blogging is cathartic exercise in ego building anyway, so fuckit. THE POINT, as I was saying, is that I have been re-living a bit of dumbassery for several days and avoiding my own blog because of it. How sad it that. Pathetic. I know. I dumbassed myself into a state of cyber-embarrassment. Long story short, some questions ARE stupid questions (or questioning statements). And if you have a question, send it email, don’t post a comment. And definitely don’t post two comments. Keep the dumbassery to a minimum of participants for godssake. Don’t go spewing it all over the entire momosphere.

On the other hand, wow, what an ego, to think that these people have nothing better to do than point and laugh at the dumbass in the corner, way off in wordpress land, depending on to even generate hits let alone readers. And now that I’ve owned up to my acts of dumbassery cleared my conscience, maybe I can get back to more regular posting. God knows the Things have been giving me plenty of fodder lately…


scrapbooking for narcissists

Sorry for the delay in posting folks, but apparently I accidently forgot about blogging and had a life there for a day or two. Oh, wait, my mistake, I was merely napping. Ah, the life of leisure one indulges in while visiting grandma’s house. 11329I’ve had more sleep in the last four days than I’ve had in the last 4 months. Ironically, I am also just as tired as ever. How very irritating. Not, however, very surprising. 

There are myriad (see, just paprika) psychological factoids regarding the neurological behaviors of the human brain that can make for interesting cocktail conversation. For instance, if an individual were able to ingest a small dose of simple nicotine without all of the additives included in modern tobacco products during the most stressful time of their day, it would actually be highly beneficial due to the calming effects. But cigarettes are bad! you cry out. Go back to the part where I say “without all of the additives included…”. My favorite bits are the ones regarding the differences in how men and women think (or, in some cases, don’t). And let me tell you, there are a virtual plethora of these. And my very most beloved piece of neurological knowledge has to do with why women have always and will always be the ones who run the world. And we do. You all know we do. We’re not supposed to say it out loud because it scares the boys, they wet themselves, it makes them look bad, they feel all impotent, sometimes become impotent, this causes procreation problems, etceteras and etceteras, but we all know its true. And there is actual scientific information to back up the intuitive understanding that all of us in the Girl Club have always had. 

So here’s how it works. In a nutshell, men are linear thinkers, women are contingency thinkers. Men think in terms of getting from point A to point B in a straight line — like tunnel vision. Literally. There can be a gazillion little stops along the way, but it’s still a straight line. Women, on the other hand, not so much. Not really even close. I picture it like a ball of string where a lot of pieces have been cut and tied back together — a lot of things depend on a lot of other things. Duh, contingency. We have to think about A to B, but also what’s happening all around these points, as well as all the other points, not to mention what happens after we get to point B, what happens if we don’t get to B, what happens if we get there late, what happens if point B moves, if it’s the wrong size, the wrong color, or if it’s not available on Tuesday. We also have to keep in mind the history between point A and point B and whether or not we can seat them next to point C for a dinner party. 

I had this discussion with my brilliant mother the other night, graphs and all.  For like, the third time. From time to time, my poor mother has a sort of cognitive identity crisis if you will. See, she’s an engineer. Actually, she’s a double engineer. Her first degree is in chemical engineering and her second is in environmental engineering. And I have to add, because I am overwhelmingly proud of this fact and that I am her daughter, she was the first woman to be accepted into the chemical engineering program at Montana State University. Go Mom. But I digress… sort of. Engineering, math, all pretty linear stuff. Not to mention being the only woman in an all male program, talk about screwing around your neurons to conform to the male perspective. And having this initial “brain training”, she never really got the hang of  “girl brain”. So, every few years, we have this same discussion, I draw her a few pictures, she tries to de-linearize her brain, and laugh about what a moron my dad is for a while. We do the last bit way more often than every few years, but it always ends the boy-girl brain conversation since he is pretty much the prototypical linear brain. 

And how does any of this, you may be wondering, relate to the pithy title of today’s installment? Do you need an explanation? Does there have to be a reason? Does it have to relate? Must there always be a neat little ribbon on the package? Okay, fine. 

1. Blogging is like (insert title).

2. It is. I mean really, think about it. Not that I’m condemning or anything, just saying.

3. I wonder how will deal with this…